Bananas
by TheWordMasterofFiction
Summary: *This fic is the winner of my poll for what my fans wanted to see next, and I dedicate it to the fans!* Officer D.K. and his ex-musician cousin Diddy-who are considered the worst police officers in the history of the world-are asked to track down ten pounds of missing bananas. Their investigation leads them to spoilers, Burger King, and lots of randomness! Rated K for strangeness.


**A while back, while working on my story _Stars of Destiny_, I made a poll asking for what people wanted to see when I finished _Stars_. As a joke, I randomly put 'Bananas' as one of my choices. When_ Stars_ was complete, I went and checked the results, and found that Bananas was the winner of the poll! Having no idea what exactly I could do with such a word, but I thought about it-and suddenly the following fic was born. With the help of Loke Groundrunner (the master of awesome writing), I came up with the story you see before you. It's incredibly random, and I hope people enjoy this different style of writing I'm experimenting with. For all my fans out there, this fic is for you. You guys are the best! **

**Enjoy, and don't forget to leave a review!**

* * *

Officer Donkey Kong considered himself the hardest working cop of all time. Every month, he worked for a grueling hour doing office work (in between rounds of online poker) and other official police jobs, which to him was quite a lot of work. Therefore, it was fitting that in between this hour he conserved energy by gifting himself a well-deserved nap. It was during one of these reward naps that the phone on his desk rang with an annoying 'bleep!' that not only startled him awake, but also caused him to topple from his chair with a sound like a herd of elephants taking out a skyscraper.

Cursing the pain in his back, he answered the phone with a gruff "Hello?"

"_Officer Kong, we just received a report on a man in drag who robbed a local convenience store."_

The gorilla waited. "That's it?"

"_So it seems."_

"So why the hell are you calling me about it?!"

"_Because Officer McCloud and Lombardi are on lunch break, and you and your partner are the only other police officers." _

For a moment, D.K. could have sworn the voice mumbled 'unfortunately', but he decided not to ask. "So, what was stolen?"

"_Two bottles of Coke, five hundred dollars from the cash register, ten pounds of bananas-"_

"WHAT?! Okay, my partner and I'll take the case!" D.K. slammed down the phone and grabbed his police badge from his desk, while a small monkey wearing black shades and a red baseball cap peered over his computer at the gorilla.

"Yo D.K.! What the hell are you flipping about, man?"

"Diddy, get your stuff together," D.K. growled as he put on his police belt. "Someone stole a whole lotta bananas."

Patrick Diddy had the reputation of being 'the swaggiest singer' (at least according to himself), and had once bought a gold chain with his first initial and last name engraved on it. However, he was forced to drop the initial once a popular rap artist sued him, and decided to spread his gangsta-ness by calling himself 'Diddy' instead. After his first album, _Furry Swag_, failed to take off (possibly due to songs like _Gangsta Tree_, _Fear my Peanut Gun, _and the terrible number _I Throw Crap with Bling in It_), he managed to get a job as his cousin's partner in stopping crime, although most of his previous persona still remained present.

"Swag," Diddy replied as he ambled out behind his cousin. "Does this mean we get to take the cruiser?"

"Yep."

"Sweet-I call shotgun. So, where are we heading first?"

"Well, I've seen a bunch of cop shows, and they usually start by going and asking questions at the scene of the crime..."

* * *

An old, beat-up yellow car pulled up in front of a convenience store with the plastic cop lights on top whirling. Out bounded D.K. and Diddy, who stepped carefully over the yellow tape and into the convenience store, where a small man with a big nose awaited them.

"Oh thank goodness!" the man squeaked. "I was wondering when the police would show up!"

"Officer Donkey Kong at your service, sir, along with my partner Diddy." Diddy lifted his sunglasses in greeting as D.K. flashed his badge. "Are you Olli Mar, the owner of this store?"

"Yes! Oh Officer, it was horrible! He took all the money in the register-"

"What about the bananas?"

"Bananas?"

"Yeah-the suspect stole bananas. Where were those kept?"

"Uh...right over here." Mr. Mar waddled over to a bare shelf and pointed. "I just put in a fresh stock of bananas before I closed up last night, but when I came in this morning, I found my money missing-"

"And all the bananas gone."

"Well, yes. Um, are you supposed to be eating-?"

"I'm just analyzing the evidence!" D.K. mumbled through the orange in his mouth. "Diddy!"

"Yeah?"

"What does this look like to you?"

"Looks like a crappy convenience store-it doesn't even carry lottery tickets-"

"Yes we do," Ollie interjected. "I sell them in the front."

"Oh...can I buy one?"

While Diddy went to buy a lottery ticket, D.K. examined the shelf of the crime a bit longer, then decided to ask Mr. Mar a few more questions. "Did you see anything on the security cams?"

"I don't have any-the store's brand-new! We just opened a few days ago, and they haven't been installed yet!"

"What about recent customers? Has anyone looked suspicious, as if they need to steal bananas?"

"There was a gruff-looking man who came in yesterday and bought a banana-I think his name was Snape or something."

_Maybe that banana was so good, he couldn't help but want some more, _D.K. thought to himself. "We'll find those bananas, Mr. Mar."

"What about the money?!"

"Er...that too. Come on, Diddy-I think I know where to start our investigation." The two apes exited the convenience store and clambered back into the car.

"So, where to next, D.K.?" Diddy asked as he scratched away at his lottery ticket.

"We're going to go ask someone a few questions regarding the theft."

"Yes!"

"You like that idea? Me too. It sounds like such a bad-assed cop idea-"

"No, I just won twenty bucks! Woo hoo!"

* * *

After a five minute drive to the outer edge of town, the pair stopped outside of a rundown cabin in a sketchy neighborhood. The officers walked up to the door and knocked (well, more like pounded in D.K.'s case). When nobody answered, Diddy shrugged. "Looks like nobody's home."

D.K. gave the door another pound, and raised his eyebrows in surprise as it fell from its hinges and hit the floor with a clunk.

"Oh...can we go in then?"

"Guess so." Cautiously, D.K. entered the house and moved slowly toward the back room, where the sound of a TV could be heard. Walking in, they found a man with a beard and a bandana around his head lying on a couch and watching what appeared to be a rerun of a popular TV show involving a mysterious island and many confusing plot twists. A couple of beer can were sprawled around the room, and a slice of pizza dangled precariously from the arm of the couch. The man didn't look up as D.K. cleared his throat.

"Sir? We're looking for Solid Snake-"

"That's me," the man grumbled in a tough voice, not moving his eyes from the screen.

"Mr. Snake, I'm Officer Donkey Kong, and this is my partner, Officer Diddy. We hate to disturb you, but we're here regarding the recent banana theft from Mr. Mar's convenience store. According to him, you bought a banana from him yesterday."

"My doctor says I need the potassium."

Diddy rolled his eyes. "Boss, we're not getting anywhere with this guy. Can we do the 'Good Cop, Bad Cop' thing? Or can I just mace him?"

"Let's just see if he'll cooperate, Diddy," D.K. hissed in reply, then turned his attention back to Snake. "Did you steal the bananas from the store?"

"Nope. When I got home yesterday, I started watching Lost." Snake scratched at his beard as he added, "I still can't believe Michael shot Anna and Libby."

Diddy's jaw hit the floor with a crack. "What?! I'm still on season one! Aw man, thanks for spoiling it."

D.K. sighed, having never gotten past episode one of the series. "So you weren't the guy who dressed up in drag and robbed the Ollie Mart?"

Snake hit the pause button on the TV and turned to face the simian pair with wide eyes "Wait...did you say 'drag'? As in a cross-dresser?"

"...Are they the same thing?"

The man shrugged. "I have no idea, but I know someone who might be your suspect..."

* * *

Snake tagged along with D.K. and Diddy and gave them directions to a small house with neat landscaping in the middle of town. As they rang the doorbell, Diddy asked the man, "So, who exactly lives here?"

"You'll see."

Out of curiosity, Diddy again turned to Snake and questioned, "Hey, have you ever heard of _Furry Swag_?"

"That crap? Yeah, it's terrible. Worse than that Justyn Beaver kid from a few years ago."

Suddenly the door opened to reveal a man with soft blue hair and large blue eyes, which he used to stare at the group as he spoke in a high voice. "Hello. Can I help you?"

D.K. opened his mouth to speak, but Snake cut him off. "Enough with the act, Martha."

The blue-haired man stepped back as if he had been slapped in the face. _"Excuse me?_ My name is Marth, not Martha!"

"Sure, Martha. Look, we already know your little secret."

This statement made the blue-haired man's eyes nearly pop out of his head. Giving the police officers and Snake another long look, he finally sighed in defeat. "Okay, come in-I'll show you guys."

The group followed Marth into his modest house, and were led to a closed door, which Marth opened slowly with a look of embarrassment.

"MY EYES!" Diddy collapsed at the sight of what lay inside the room, while D.K. and Snake merely stared. This was the man's secret? He was...

"I know I'm a grown man," Marth wailed, "but I'm also secretly a fan of My Little Pony!" He flicked on the light switch, illuminating the numerous rainbow posters, action figures, and equestrian paraphernalia that had so many colors it could easily cause more seizures than a single episode of Pokémon. The blue-haired man picked up a small blue pony with a rainbow mane and cuddles it with a smile. "They're all so cute! How can you not find little guys like Pinkie Pie here adorable?"

D.K. sighed and shook his head. "I see. Well sir, it seems as though we were mistaken in coming here to your house. We won't bother you again."

Before he could leave however, Snake put a hand on his large furry shoulders. "Not so fast, Andross."

"It's D.K."

"Right. Anyways, this man is wrong," Snake growled as he moved toward Marth.

A glimmer of hope moved through D.K. Maybe this was the suspect after all!

Then bearded man pointed at the pony Marth held. "That is _obviously _Rainbow Dash, _not _Pinkie Pie."

D.K. put a hand to his head as his hope was viciously squashed.

"Of course, a proper MLP fan would know that. So, you're either lying about being a true fanboy, or you're stupid." Snake finished smugly. "Which is it?"

Marth looked torn for a minute, then sighed and raised his hands in the air. "Okay, you've got me: the pony thing was a distraction. My boss told me to do it in order to throw you off our trail."

"Trail?" Diddy pulled out his police baton in excitement. "What trail? Who do you work for?"

"Diddy, put that away!" D.K. ordered his partner as he turned back to the blue-haired man, who had begun to cry. "Who exactly put you up to this?"

"I never saw his face-he always wore a mask-but he was short, rotund, and smelled of garlic."

D.K. thought for a minute, until Diddy stuck a lightbulb over his head. "Diddy, what are you doing?"

"I dunno boss, I thought you might like a little light or something."

"Oh. Wait a moment!"

"Do you know who stole the bananas?" Snake asked as he nonchalantly pocketed Rainbow Dash."

"No, but I have an idea..."

* * *

"This is a great idea, D.K.!" Diddy muttered through a mouthful of burger. "I was feeling hungry!"

The two apes, Snake, and Marth all sat outside Burger King munching away on their fattening fast food in blissful silence.

"Ohhh ugh woo de naghes," D.K. replied.

"What?"

Swallowing, the gorilla repeated, "I couldn't think on an empty stomach."

Suddenly, there was the roar of an engine and the sound of funky 70's cop music filled the air as a police cruiser coasted into the parking lot. Out jumped a fox and bird in uniform, who whipped off their sunglasses in synch and regarded the group in front of them.

"Officer McCloud? Officer Lombardi? What are you two doing here?" D.K. gaped at the sight of the best cops in town and furiously tried to scrub a spot of mustard from his chin.

The fox flashed a dazzling smile. "We're on the trail of a burglar who robbed a convenience store and made off with the money in the register."

"We were on lunch break, but when the chief called and told us he sent two of his worst officers out after the guy, we had to intervene," the bird added as he glanced at his partner. "We don't want those guys getting into any trouble-right, McCloud?"

"Exactly, Lombardi."

D.K. and Diddy remained silent as Snake asked the two cops, "So, have you found anything yet?"

"Nope, but we interviewed the store owner. We're going to see if any of his recent customers had a grudge against him, and go from there." Putting his shades back on, Fox McCloud saluted the group. "Enjoy the lunch boys-we've got to get back on the case. Criminals never sleep."

"Well, they do," Falco Lombardi admitted, "but we still manage to find them."

The pair raced back to the patrol car and jumped in through the open windows, and raced off again in a flash of lightning, burning rubber, and groovy music.

Silence hit the four people at the table again, before Snake grumbled, "Those guys are total dou-"

"D.K., we aren't the worst officers, right?" Diddy asked his partner hopefully.

The gorilla stared down at the table and sighed. "Diddy, we can't do anything. I was a fool for thinking this plan was going to work, that I was ever going to be a great police officer. I can't even put on my uniform without the buttons popping off."

"What are you guys talking about?" Marth scoffed at the melancholy pair. "You two have found way more evidence than those officers! You managed to track down both of us, and come closer and closer to finding the stolen bananas! Those officers haven't found anything-it's you guys who are the superior officers, not them! I say we keep searching for the suspect and prove them both wrong!"

"For once, I agree with Martha," Snake mumbled.

"Yay! Give me a brohoof, man!"

"No."

"But who would dress in drag and steal pounds of bananas?" Diddy wondered aloud.

The 'B' in Burger King suddenly turned on above D.K.'s head. "Wait, Marth-did you say the man smelled of garlic?"

"Yeah, it was horrible-I nearly passed out from the stench!"

"I think I might know who our suspect is." D.K. bounded to the car and tried to leap through the window, but instead hit the door and landed sprawled out on his back. As the others surrounded him, he whispered, "Pretend I didn't do that."

* * *

A few minutes later, the cops, Snake, and Marth pulled up to an old derelict warehouse and cautiously got out of the car. "Our suspect is here?" Diddy asked his cousin as he lowered his sunglasses to see better.

"I hope so. Follow me-but be careful. I don't want him to know we're here."

"Swag-I'll use my ninja skills then."

The four quietly snuck up to the front of the warehouse, where the door was ajar. Slipping inside, Snake whispered, "What are we looking for exactly?"

"Just see if you can find a big bunch of bananas."

"Uh, Boss?" Diddy froze and pointed at something ahead of them. "I found 'em."

In the middle of the otherwise empty warehouse was a large pile of bananas, upon which a golden stone rested. Moving forward, D.K. suddenly realized that the stone was actually a giant golden album cover, with Diddy's face and bling imprinted into it. It leered out at them as Diddy stared back at his own face. "What the heck is this?" Marth gasped in shock.

"That's...that's _Furry Swag_," Diddy breathed. "How is it here though?"

A long nasally laugh came from the pile of bananas, followed by a slimy Italian voice. "I thought-a you'd come-a here, and here-a you are."

From behind the bananas stepped a short, rotund, mustachioed man dressed in a large yellow dress and wearing a blonde wig with a yellow ball cap on top. Scratching his bulbous pink nose with one hand and his butt with the other, he laughed again at the shocked and disgusted expressions on his audience's faces. "Surprise! It's-a me, Wario!"

D.K. glared at the Italian. "You were the one who stole all the bananas?"

Wario gave him a long look. "No," he answered sarcastically, "they were-a just in my warehouse and I was-a just hiding behind them for-a laughs."

"Why though?" Snake asked gruffly. "Why steal ten pounds worth of bananas?"

"The bananas were-a just part of my master plan," The round Italian cackled as he begun to pace. "My real-a plan was-a far simpler!"

Wario paused to grin at his audience, who merely stared at him until the smile was replaced with an angry frown. "What?"

"You're not going to tell us your 'master plan'?"

"Oh, right. Well, my-a master plan was one I have-a been waiting for for-a long time!" Diddy backed up a few steps as Wario pointed a fat finger at him and exclaimed, "It was-a to fulfill my lifelong-a dream of-a meeting Diddy Kong! I'm-a his number one fan!" With a swift motion, Wario pulled off his dress to reveal a large t-shirt with the words "_Furry Swag_ has Swag" covering the front in a blinding red color. "Now I have Diddy Kong here, and I can-a force him to record-a a new album-dedicated to-a me!"

"Whoa there man! I'm retired!" The small monkey hid behind D.K., who fixed the laughing Italian with another glare.

"Why did you dress in drag though?" Marth wanted to know.

Wario thought for a moment, and then shrugged. "I don't-a really know. Maybe it was-a because this situation needed-a something rando-"

"Not so fast!"

"Freeze, criminal scum!"

A groovy 70's beat echoed through the warehouse, and the group turned to see Fox and Falco pointing their guns at Wario. "You, Wario Wario, are under arrest for the theft of the Ollie Mart," Fox yelled above the bass line.

"You're also under arrest for nearly breaking the fourth wall!" Falco added.

However, instead of surrendering, Wario merely grinned. "I can't-a let you do-a that, Star Fox!" Suddenly, he pulled a remote control out behind his back and pointed it at the law-abiding duo as he pressed a button.

Nothing happened.

Wario pressed it again with an evil smile of confidence.

The theme song to "Mr. Rodger's Neighborhood" began to filter through the warehouse, as pink bubbles descended from the ceiling.

"Dang-a Dollar Tree Universal Remote of-a Evil," Wario grumbled as he smacked it in his hands a couple of times, turning off the music and bubbles and pointing it again at Fox and Falco, who were impatiently waiting. "Now, let's try this again!" Wario laughed aloud and hit the button with a click.

_Slam! _A giant cage in the shape of Wario's face fell from the ceiling and captured Fox and Falco. "Now you stand-a no chance of capturing me!" the villain yelled, as he turned back to Diddy. "Sing-a for me, little monkey. Use-a your golden pipes!"

"Oh no, we're doomed!" Falco screeched dramatically. "Now nothing will stop that dastardly fiend!"

Fox gave his partner a look. "Did you just say 'dastardly'?"

"Yeah, I thought it had a nice ring to it."

D.K. looked at his partner, as a light bulb suddenly descended from the ceiling and lit up above his fuzzy skull. "Diddy, I think I know how we can stop Wario!"

"It's no use, D.K.!" Diddy wailed. "You heard Fox and Falco-we're the worst police officers ever!"

"Are we? I don't see us in a cage! We're the ones who tracked down Wario, and we're the ones who are going to put a stop to his madness!"

"Okay then, so what's the plan?"

"We get our swag on."

"Ooooh, swag's my middle name!"

"I thought it was Heidi-"

"Oh, whatever." The two monkey cops (well, gorilla in D.K.'s case) turned to face Wario with determination shining in their eyes. "Wario, you're going down!"

"Am I? I don't-a think so!" Wario pulled out a boom box from behind him, and suddenly pressed a button on the top.

Words cannot describe the horrific sound that followed. The closest one could compare it to was the sound of a million cats being shredded by a singing Justin Beiber who was doing a country cover of 'Hot Problems', who was also playing the iconic-and terrible- Pink Floyd number 'Several Species of Small Animals Gathered Together in a Cave and Grooving With a Pict' in the background. D.K., Snake, and Marth immediately fell to the ground and began writhing in pain, while Diddy swayed back and forth as if in a daze.

"Fear the power of _Gangsta Tree_!" Wario 'bwahahaha'-ed evilly, sure that he was about to get away and escape to law.

Until he was hit squarely in his forehead with a peanut.

The peanut in question bounced off the Italian's forehead and hit the 'stop' button on the boom box, bringing D.K. back to a world filled with less painful music. The gorilla stared wide-eyed as Wario's eyes rolled up in his head and he fell on his face with a thud, then turned to look at Diddy and his still-smoking peanut gun. "Diddy, you did it!"

The monkey shrugged off the praise and helped his partner to his feet. "No way boss-we did it. I couldn't have done it without you," he admitted as he punched his cousin playfully in the arm.

D.K. laughed a long laugh. "So, you still think we're the worst cops around?"

"Heck no! I think things are looking up for us, man. Besides, today has given me some inspiration for a new album I've been thinking about..."

* * *

With the help of D.K. and Diddy, Wario was arrested and put away in jail, and only allowed to come out for community service time at Ollie Mart. D.K. and Diddy Kong were promoted to top officers, and given a better cruiser, bigger computers, and a weekly payment of ten bananas each. Solid Snake joined the police force as a private investigator, and worked undercover with his friend (and fellow Brony) Marth to catch many criminals. Falco and Fox quit being officers, and instead decided to try their hands at being actors in Hollywood. Their first movie, _Fuzzy Wuzzy Fuzz,_ was a blockbuster hit. Inspired by the theft of the bananas, Diddy composed and released a new album called _Officer of Swag_, which quickly became a bestseller with songs like _Lost was Spoiled for Me, I Won Twenty-Five Dollars from a Scratch Card, _and the number-one hit, _Several People with Swag Gathered Together in a Warehouse and Defeating Italians in Drag._ he used the money from the album to retire from being a cop, and purchased a mega-mansion in the Hamptons with enough bling to blind an elephant.

As for D.K.? Well, he went on the write a crackfic involving the escapades he and Diddy encountered in his first big case. It was a story of adventure, suspense, and many instances of things that just didn't make sense. When it came time to choose a title, he went with something simple, but a single word that summed up everything he, Diddy, and his friends had experienced.

He called it _Bananas._


End file.
